When a parent is dying, children of any age face one of the most difficult experiences of their lives. How the adults around them respond — what they say, what they allow children to know, how they include or exclude children from the process — has lasting effects. This guide is for the adults trying to support children through a parent's dying.
Tell the Truth (Age-Appropriately)
Children sense when something is wrong. When adults try to protect them by keeping secrets, children fill the vacuum with imagination — often more frightening than the truth. Age-appropriate honesty — what is happening, what will happen, how it will affect them — gives children what they need to begin processing rather than fearing the unknown.
See our guide on talking to young children about death for specific language by age group.
Include Children in the Process
Many adults instinctively want to shield children from the dying process — to keep them away from hospital beds and difficult conversations. But exclusion is its own wound. Children who are included — who get to visit, to say goodbye, to be part of the family during this time — often cope better than children who are separated from the experience.
This doesn't mean forcing children into situations they don't want. Follow their lead. Give them choices. "Would you like to visit Grandpa today? You can decide." But don't assume they'd rather not know or not be there.
Maintain Routine as Much as Possible
Children need consistency especially during upheaval. School, meals, bedtime, activities — keeping these as stable as possible provides grounding when everything else is changing. Children also need to know who will take care of them — this is often their most pressing question, and it deserves a clear, reassuring answer.
Allow and Acknowledge All Feelings
Children's grief does not look like adults' grief. They may be devastated one minute and playing happily the next. They may ask shockingly practical questions ("Who will make my lunches?") right after being told someone is dying. They may laugh. They may seem not to be grieving at all, then break down weeks later. All of this is normal. Don't interpret emotional fluctuation as indifference.
Give Children Ways to Say Goodbye
- Visiting the dying parent if the child wants to
- Drawing a picture or writing a letter to leave with the parent
- Recording a message for the parent on video or audio
- Being in the room at the time of death, if the child chooses and the death is expected and peaceful
- Taking part in the funeral or memorial in an age-appropriate way
After the Death
Children's grief extends long past the death — through milestones, through school events, through puberty and leaving home and their own life transitions. They will need ongoing, sustained support — not just in the immediate aftermath. Watch for signs that grief has become complicated: withdrawal, declining school performance, persistent behavioral changes. A child therapist specializing in grief can be invaluable.
For more, see our complete guide on children and death and our guide on children and grief.